You really have to understand the world outside of the box to fully comprehend the kind of person that I am. I’m a different kind of individual; Look inside Webster’s Dictionary and find the word for freaky and you’ll see my face with a left eyebrow raised in indignation. I am the antimatter and as much as I tried to be like everybody else, it just didn’t happen; the essence of my true being seeped through the mask that I tried to wear. Thinking that I had to be like my peers set me back majorly: Extreme introversion, minor depression, and other feelings of detachment made me feel like Dracula as he shielded himself against the rays of the sun.
I should’ve been used to it but it’s something I never grasped until my 20s. Around the age of 6 or 7, I stopped growing normally and it wasn’t until my middle school guidance counselor suggested that I see her colleague, the late Dr. Thomas Moshang an endocrinologist at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, that I became aware of any disorder. During the summer of 1997, I was diagnosed with Hypopituitarism (the pituitary gland hits the snooze button) and my treatment consisted of daily injections of Genotropin (growth hormone) along with a synthroid pill for my thyroid to function normally. I took these shots over the course of five years and I never told anyone about it while in school (not even college). Self-conscious about my height and lack of luck with women (went to my junior prom alone and totally nixed my senior prom) set the mode for pointless insecurities.
I grew to about 5 feet 5 inches which is still short but it’s better than what I could’ve been. My voice went lower which snatched me from being a tenor during high school and dropped off in the lane of the basses by senior year. Video games, comic books, and anything else that kept me away from a world that I didn’t like and being called “weird” by my close cousin would seriously annoy me. Awkward. I didn’t really have a tight grip on style and the gear that I got from TJ Maxx on my employee discount did little to assist in that department.
The people that I thought were my friends just wanted to take advantage. I should’ve known better but I thought that I needed their acceptance. I really lowered myself just try and seem cool and that’s NEVER the way. But let’s fast forward a bit to why I decided on this tattoo in the first place. There was this girl that I was somewhat cool with (sexually attracted to her if nothing else) but she wasn’t really my type intellectually. If I said anything or made a joke that she didn’t “get”, she’d call me “weird” or a “weirdo” and it really pissed me off though I never let her know it.
This year, I embraced the “weird” by using it as my red badge of courage. I am a fucking weirdo… freakier than 2 Humpty Humps and as cool as Lando Calrissian running with rebels in Cloud City. A nerd of the third kind and that’s how I get down and I take pride in my eccentricities. Still playing video games, reading comics, and getting tattoos. I love myself for who I am and most importantly I value myself for what I’m not.
It’s 3:27 AM… I’m going to sleep.